The Know-it-all

I have fallen victim to a know-it-all. I belong to a group of moms who get together with our kids once a week in various parks and fun places. While the kids play we have the chance for some grown-up conversation. For the three years since I made the transition from working outside the home to stay-at-home mom it has been my favorite day of the week. Enter the know-it-all.

No conversation is safe, no matter how trivial or inappropriate, from this woman. She has informed us all of our ignorance on everything from toilet paper to Christianity. I can not remember the last time she was at our weekly playgroup that I did not leave annoyed. And the worst part is that I’m usually annoyed with myself.

I have an almost perverse need to be understood, appreciated, acknowledged and taken seriously. In short I am a people pleaser. It gnaws away at me if I feel judged in the slightest and I usually think that if only I’d made my case better then the other person would surely have seen things my way. I can’t stand for people not to think of me as intelligent and when I’ve failed to persuade another person to agree with my point of view it feels like I’ve proven to them that I’m just not as smart as them. Which is insane because I don’t question their intelligence simply because they disagree with me. Most of the time anyway.

So, whenever this woman disagrees with me I find myself defending my position. Fiercely. She seems to enjoy these exchanges and sees them as a fun exchange of ideas. For me though they are not so fun. For days afterward I find myself thinking back to the debate; things I wish I’d said, things I wish I hadn’t said, things I can’t believe she said. As the week progresses I get over it, I bounce back and telling myself that I will do better next time. I will smile politely and say, “Well, that’s an interesting way to look at it.” I will take the high road. And then she tells me I’m wrong about something and the cycle starts again.

But this week, I will do better.

On changing your life…

Most of the things I enjoy reading are character studies. I’m not all that interested in the setting of a story, I want a plot that is character driven and when done well can happen almost anywhere. I find it both bewildering and amusing when writers (or sometimes actors) refer to the city as another character in the story… generally this is just not true if a story is done well. I have traveled a bit and read a lot and one lesson I’ve gleaned is that people are people underneath the superficialities of culture. We all have the same needs and most of us have the same desires, even if they look different on the surface.

This is why it is so frustrating to me that most trans-formative stories involve the protagonist uprooting their lives either through travel or by moving to a place completely opposite of where they begin. It doesn’t seem to matter if the work is fiction or memoir, in the first chapters a decision will be made to leave one place for another and through this upheaval life will change for the better. The thought that this is what it takes is stifling and heartbreaking for someone who feels trapped in their circumstances. For a young mother it can feel as if she has to choose between her own happiness and that of her children, as if being a good mother means its too late for her.

Where are the stories of the women who change their lives without changing their location? We exist, we are here. Life changes from within and location is just not that important in this change. When I realized this I went from being trapped in a small town to understanding that in order to break free from this trap I’d have to sacrifice some wonderful things. I was able to look at the opportunity cost of leaving and realized that I was no longer, I CHOOSE to stay. Not out of fear or responsibility but because I know that the things I’d be giving up are more important than the things I’d be gaining.

And I figured all of that out after I stopped traveling the world. When I stopped searching for what was better out there I realized that I had the power to make it better from right here.

On choosing a partner…

I used to think that superficial things like taste in music, education or where we want to live were the most important things about being happy within a relationship. At a low point in my marriage I believed we were incompatible because I am a social traveler while my dear husband is a loner and a homebody. (And incidentally we couldn’t even agree on where that home should be- urban for me, rural for him). I spent years fantasizing about a mate who was as worldly as I wanted to be; one who enjoyed travel and adventure, who would challenge me intellectually and who would bring charm and romance into my life. I looked in many places for these things but did not look to my husband because I knew I wouldn’t see these things I wanted so deeply. And then I looked a little deeper.

My husband is still not a traveler, a romantic or a socialite. But he is kind, loving, open and respectful. He is a generous and passionate lover. He makes me laugh nearly every day. I look at some of the people around me whom I put on a pedestal for far too long and I see that I could never have been truly happy with these men in the way that I fantasized. Yes, we might go on more fabulous vacations or have long discussions about politics but then what? None of the men I idealized hold a candle to my husband in the ways that really count. No matter how many far away places you go at the end of the day you are still left alone with this other person. I choose to be left alone with someone I can be myself with. Someone who will never say things to degrade or hurt me, even out of anger. Someone who treasures and loves me in spite of my flaws. Someone who makes a joke when I’m at my breaking point in order to keep me together. Someone who will hear and listen to my point of view even when he disagrees. Someone who understands that love is just as much about action as it is about emotion.

I am not cut out for politics…

I have come to realize over the last couple of days that me and politics are not a good fit. When I can’t get people to understand my point of view I get anxious, think too much about what I wish I’d said and just generally feel icky.

Yesterday I got into a friendly disagreement with a woman, who happens to be a European immigrant, about the American legal system. I felt she was dismissing not only our system but also our culture and I just HAD to speak up. I don’t know why, it’s not as if our discussion was going to make any difference in the world and while she left feeling fine because she enjoys this type of debate I left feeling icky.

Last night I attended a forum with my state representative about regulating midwifery in my state. This isn’t really an issue that I’m overly passionate about but some of my very good friends are and I was there to support them. But it is not in my nature to sit quietly when I have something to say so I got caught up in the debate. When I got home I couldn’t sleep because and felt extremely anxious.

Today, with threats of a government shut down looming I was trying to avoid the political posts on Facebook. However, when I got word that the shut down had been avoided I was so relieved for all of the families that were depending on those paychecks that I posted my excitement. Immediately some of my more political Facebook friends pounced pointing out why this might not be a good thing. I agree to an extent that there are still issues pending and it may be too early to celebrate but for just a few minutes I wanted to feel happy for the people who were worried and celebrate with them. And now I feel icky again.

I realize that politics is nuanced and we won’t always agree and I’m okay with that. But I have two distinct and opposing sides of my personality. I hate confrontation and I also hate condescension. This catch-22 leaves me feeling icky if I speak up and say something and also leaves me feeling icky if I do speak up and someone implies that my opinion is ignorant. So, when I allow myself to be sucked into political discussions I end up feeling anxious and well, icky no matter what.

I don’t think it would be socially responsible to declare that I’m giving up on politics altogether but I do think it’s time that I learned to ask myself what I expect to gain when I choose to get involved. In the case of the meeting with the representative about an upcoming vote on a bill that I feel is unfair and unnecessary so making sure my voice was heard was important in that situation. A night of anxiety due to my non-confrontational tendencies is worth fighting for a cause I feel strongly about in a forum where my voice might really make a difference.  However in both other situations I could have avoided my icky feeling without any long-term effects. I realize now that choosing my battles, finding the right balance is just as important in politics as in any other area of life.

Hello world!

I need a place to pour my thoughts and this is it. Writing helps me sort through my thoughts and feelings so I can either let go or figure out where to go from here. And believe me, I have lots to figure out.

I’m an unconventional, unschooling mama who second guesses herself and her parenting style quite a bit. I’m happily married to a great guy who is my polar opposite in many ways. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes and am trying to balance that diagnosis with an old diagnosis of an eating disorder. I’ve always had a bit of a co-dependent relationship with my mother and that co-dependency can sometimes (read, often) spill over into  my daily life. I’m a reader by nature but I also love television and I often have epiphanies from the information found in both. I’ve been on a spiritual quest for a few years now and still have no idea what I believe. I’m liberal in my political beliefs and this comes with lots of liberal guilt as well as trying to figure out how to live those values.

So, you see I have lots going on in my head and I needed a place to come and spill it. I’ve had a few dedicated blogs to specific topics but when I had nothing to say on those topics I had no where to go and spill about the topics I did have something to say about. That’s where this blog comes in. Instead of several blogs on different topics I’ll have this one on several topics. As it grows I’ll try to keep it organized and categorized so I can refer back, and on the off chance that I get any readers they can too.

That’s me and my blog in a nutshell. You are now in my head!